EU Parliament’s Busy Week: AliExpress Gets Grilled, Menopause Gets Attention, and Someone Finally Talks About No-Go Zones
Brussels is about to have one of those weeks where everyone pretends to read 500-page reports while secretly wondering what’s for lunch. The European Parliament’s agenda for March 23-27, 2026, is packed tighter than a budget airline overhead bin.
Monday kicks off with the riveting question: Is AliExpress basically a digital flea market for dangerous knockoffs? The Committee on Internal Market and Consumer Protection will spend two hours debating whether the Chinese shopping giant is systematically flooding Europe with unsafe and counterfeit goods. Spoiler alert: They’re probably not gathering to give AliExpress a participation trophy.
Tuesday transforms into meeting marathon madness. President Metsola has back-to-back appointments scheduled with the precision of a Swiss railway timetable—UN High Commissioner for Refugees at 12:45, Gulf Cooperation Council ambassadors at 13:15, and the Grand Duke of Luxembourg at 14:30. One can only hope someone’s keeping the coffee flowing.
Meanwhile, committees are tackling everything from genetically modified organisms (because regular organisms are so last century) to the “gender care gap.” There’s even a joint hearing on menopause care in the EU, proving that European bureaucracy has finally discovered that half the population goes through menopause. Revolutionary stuff.
The ECR group is hosting a press conference about “the rise of no-go zones in Europe,” which sounds like either a serious policy discussion or the world’s most depressing travel guide.
Wednesday and Thursday bring the main event: plenary sessions featuring debates on energy security, corruption, and deposit protection. Nothing says “edge-of-your-seat excitement” quite like banking regulations, though the anti-corruption directive vote might generate some actual drama.
By Friday, President Metsola escapes to Stockholm, presumably for some Swedish fresh air and meetings with people who aren’t debating wastewater treatment directives. Smart move.
The weekend? Gloriously empty. Even EU parliamentarians need time to recover from discussing ceramic industry policy and digital euro projects.